Tuesday, June 5, 2012

The story of our valley...

This has been a difficult month to say the least. A few weeks ago I shared a post: For the Valleys. I want to share that this was specifically about a miscarriage Andrew and I had in May. You may ask why I feel the need to write everything down, to tell everyone... Maybe it is a way that God is continuing to heal us and grow our faith in Him. Maybe it is a way to celebrate the life of the baby we lost. Maybe it is because no one talks about this, and so many women and families go through this.

On April 2, Andrew and I found out that we were pregnant.  We were surprised and excited about the journey we were just beginning. Ironically, I had my yearly woman doctor appointment scheduled for the next day, so we were confirmed with them the next day as about 5 weeks pregnant. Our next appointment with an ultrasound was scheduled for May 2.

We went through the next few weeks without telling too many people. There were the girls in my Bible study, the girls I carpool with, and Leah.  Andrew told a couple of close friends in the New Orleans area as well. We were torn about telling parents, since we wouldn't see them in person any time soon. But when Andrew's grandma died, we saw his parents, and told them too.  We were being cautious, but still thinking through what the future was going to hold.

On May 2 we had our appointment and could not have been more excited. We saw the precious little one and heard a strong heart beat. She said overall things looked good, so we started thinking about how to tell my parents, and when to tell other friends.


The ultrasound from May 2.


Then on May 6, I could tell something was wrong. I can't explain it, I was not in a lot of pain at that point, but I just knew something wasn't right. Andrew was at a middle of the night BCM pancake study event, and I called to tell him that I thought something was wrong. He asked if he should come home, but I told him not to worry about it yet, I would call again if I needed him.  At a little bit past midnight I fell asleep, and Andrew came home and went to sleep as well.

I woke at about 2 am in pain, and we decided it was time to go to the hospital. We went to the emergency room and basically waited for the ultrasound technician to come in since it was the middle of the night. This was an extremely difficult time between the tears, and the pain, and hanging on to our last twinge of hope that this was not happening. We had the ultrasound and the technician was not allowed to tell us anything while it was going on. We could see the baby like last time, but at the point I think we were supposed to hear a heartbeat... nothing.

Then we had to go back to the emergency room and wait to get the report of what we were already sure was happening. Our baby no longer had a heartbeat.

 I can't fully describe the pain and sorrow that Andrew and I have been going through. It was hard not to ask why questions: Why us? Why if the baby had such a strong heartbeat? Why is this baby no longer alive? Was there something I did? We have tried to cling to the soviergnty of God and stop asking these questions.

The next week was a whirlwind of physical,  emotional, and spiritual trials. I missed a week of work as I recovered. I am thankful that Andrew's classes and internship were over for the semester, and that his professors were understanding about him turning a couple final papers in late. We needed that time together.

We have drawn closer to God through this, leaning on Him each step of the way. We have drawn closer to each other through this, knowing God has purpose in our marriage. We have learned a lot from this. Everything from how unborn, stillborn, and children that die go straight to heaven (if you know some one who is going through this or you have questions you should read Safe in the Arms of God by John MacAurther) to what you shouldn't say to people about getting/being pregnant or having a miscarriage, to not getting your fulfillment from even the best things in life only in Christ.

We continue to go through ups and down. We continue to cling to the hope we have in Christ, making his name known and giving glory to Him.

8 comments:

  1. Dearest Stasia,

    I know the pain of a miscarriage, having experienced it myself. Well meaning folks said things that truly hurt, although I know they didn't mean to cause pain. I also know that God will comfort you and that he does have a plan, because He did for me. One day, we will see our children in heaven as you know and our hearts will rejoice. Meanwhile, a friend gave me a devotion book called Jesus calling. I looked up the text for May 6th, but May 5th is so much more appropriate for your pain. It says, "Come to me for all that you need. Come into My Presence with thanksgiving, for thankfulness opens the door to My treasures. When you are thankful, you affirm the central truth that I am Good. I am Light, in whom there is no darkness at all. The assurance that I am entirely Good meets your basic need for security. Your life is not subject to the whims of a sin-stained deity. Relax in the knowledge that the One who controls your life is totally trustworthy. Come to Me with confident expectation. There is nothing you need that I cannot provide." It also references Psalm 95:2 and 1 John 1:5 I will be praying for your continued healing, physically and emotionally. I think you are very special and God knows you are amazing! Love you!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you Susan, it is very encouraging to here your support and prayers!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Wow, Stasia, I am so sorry. I can only imagine the kind of pain and heartache you and Andrew are going through. Thank you for sharing this so that we know how to pray for you. You are in my prayers and on my heart.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Stasia, I'm so sorry. We love you guys so much and our hearts are breaking for you. It seems God is already using you to bless other families through this experience and it is an honor witness it. Thank you for being so real with us. We are praying for yall.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Stasia,

    I am so so so sorry you have had to walk through this valley. I love that you are looking to the source of joy and peace to find your strength. I can remember really early on in my pregnancy, I had some spotting and immediately felt fear kick in on such a extreme level. I was terrified. I was so thankful to see everything was ok but even getting a tiny taste of what it would feel like to lose this life was heart-wrenching. I say that to say I can't even begin to imagine how difficult this must have been for y'all. I know that God is working this together for your good and that your courage to tell your story will help inspire other couples to do what you have done-- look to Jesus for strength. Matt and I love you both and are praying for you as you heal and praying for your future babies as well. We love you and Andrew!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Thank y'all so much for your love, support, and prayers! They mean so much to us!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I am so sorry for your loss. I am thankful that you know where your strength comes from. I personally haven't experienced this, but I do have a brother that I know I'll get to meet in heaven someday. Thank you for having the courage to post this. Your testimony will help so many.

    ReplyDelete
  8. We lost our first to miscarriage earlier this year. I'm now pregnant with our second and I still tell people this is our second little one when they think it's our first...because like you said, I'll always treasure and celebrate the little life that was so short here on earth but now rejoicing with Jesus and waiting for us.

    ReplyDelete